Rock 11

Quite cold this morning with a bit more snow. Monday turned nice, snow melted, sun poured in. Had to do some more medical paperwork, but that is usual. Needed to figure some questions out. Otherwise, a quiet day compared to recent weeks.

The important event was a veggie sandwich at the Roosevelt Market, an East End institution for 82 years. My friend who manages the place always fixes a special sandwich for me, with fresh stuff and loving care. Tuesday he had to find substitutions, however, as the new owver is closing the place tomorrow. It is a sad day for someone who has shopped there for 16 years, known the last 5 owners, and always enjoyed the atmosphere and customers. While I suppose it will save time not to have it so handy, it saved me during a few big storms. During our coldest period on record, I could only walk as far as its door and park. Gary and I covered the world and back. Fond memories. Gary now drives a city bus. I now belong to the Coop.

Anyhoo, I had the time and inclination to rest up and just soak up the new atmosphere. The co-owner was figuring out how to close, what to reduce, and what to return. My bud just hung out, ran the register, and was dismayed. Awkward, sure, but true. I knew the background, knew the players, and knew the outcome. The sandwich, while a bit different, was excellent, but judging by the bits and pieces still available, the last one. Ah, memories.

It certainly feels like a new year. Out with the old, as they say. This morning the moving van is back at my neighbor's place. The first load from her estate sale leftovers went last afternoon, and more is being loaded. She was a lovely lady, a dear friend, and now in a better world, we hope. I am still concerned about her pet dog, but I assume he is fine. At the end, the pets become even more important. I just lost one myself, and it is never easy.

Today could be a productive day, without distractions like medical treatments. I slept very well again, and seem to be mellowing. It has been a good time to rearrange, notice issues, and address them. Have not done such for many moons. Would like to see The Dude, of course, as we both have most active issues. But whatever, another day at peace is always worthy.

Just as Christmas weekend should be - snow all over, deep enough to look real. Still snowing lightly. The trees are lovely, with the white fuzz overall. It is a good day to curl up and ponder. Ponder and ponder. Doubt if I will be going anywhere. Walking would be a bit tricky, and I have enough supplies. Probably have to shovel, then just sit.

It has been some week. Events moved rather rapidly. And as you know, I will be making some big decisions tomorrow. While the answers are far from clear, I have a general idea. Would like to review them with The Dude, but will not make an effort. If he remains interested, he can make the contact. That is how life is and, he tells me, will be.

Today seems like the season, all white, fuzzy, chilly, and a bit closed off. Acorn Cottage, the capital, looks as it has winters for 91 years. And I fondly recall the summer looks from the porch while reading the latest magazine. Stability is oh, so good these days!

I wonder today about many things. Somehow the week has brought its downers. But then I do not control events and need to accept that. I had hopes, but now I have new thoughts. I did not realize how much The Dude meant.

As I recall the year, the year we drew close and shared so many new plans and dreams, I fully realize how much he has meant. It appears he did not see things the same way, but so be it. I cannot control that. Just my thoughts and emotions. And if I do not return to the office, one cannot say what may result. These thoughts dominate my mind today, as I debate the final decision. And final it may be.

So on to the day's events. I feel down once again, but the future has its bright spots, providing the health continues on the mend. If not, such is life. We do the best we can given the information we have. And if the best is as good as I hope, I also hope The Dude comes along for the ride.

Home again mid-afternoon. One card and various medical things. Each delivery brings the unexpected. I received a couple of letters about my "claim" without anything final. Still open, I suppose.

As I said, I walked downtown and then out to the coffee shop. Ran into two people I knew. One expressed great concern, then headed in for chow. The walk was not terribly chilly and rather satisfying. Seemed to take just a few to reach the dark roast and my favorite table.

As expected, I did not see The Dude. Took plenty of time over the coffee and thoughts, then hit the food. To my surprise, nothing was marked down. I had planned to buy some goodies, but not at regular costs. So I took the usual walk through all the aisles. Since this is the store where The Dude and I really bonded, and where he has often described his pride at new discoveries, the aloneness seemed worse than usual. I saw him around every aisle, discussing every item, and describing his cooking. The whole experience is totally ours, and alone does not cut it. So I picked up a few things, including a new type of fish, and headed downtown. Missed the bus, so had extra time to shop the sales. Bought nothing, but enjoyed the break. Cried only when I just had to!

Cold and gray this Saturday morning. It is light enough to start the walk to coffee/Coop. I am a bit concerned about the chill, but without a car I have to make choices. Need to make a couple of stops and also to try to think it out.

Did not sleep well last night. As you can see from the Friday blog, it was an overall tough day aside from the illness itself. I learned and I felt things that were not helpful. So I went to bed early enough, but was up and down until the cat settled in.

This week and this new year bring choices that are lasting. I have been here before, but was younger and healthier. And it was not easy even then. I have until Monday to make the career choice. That was a big cause for lack of sleep. May have that one worked out, or at least a draft.

The more troubling and emotional issue is the friendship with The Dude. Our conversation made the situation pretty clear. And notice his own blog does not mention me at all, just his love interest and one boss. Guess I am not worth the "paper." Anyway, he told me a career together is out of the question, and that he has decided to get more serious about the teenager. Both of these paths leave me 100% out. And so he went on to his other job, while I went home to think the future through once again.

And the news my store manager friend will not be there after Wednesday means we will not see each other much, if at all, so a diversion is closing locally. That hurts personally, but also because I enjoy the store and buy often. That path was totally unplanned.

I told The Dude I would be doing our usual coffee/Coop run today, whether he wakes up or not. I need time (yes, even more time) to think things out. Of course I would like to continue our chat and try to agree on anything, but do not expect him to care enough. As is his usual, he seems decided, determined, and dedicated. Of course you accept a path chosen by someone you love, but it can really, really hurt. The tears are never far off.

So I plan on a productive day, as productive as possible with a working mind and active emotions. It is a day of transition, after Friday revealed all. I should not have really expected anyone to care, and in the end they did not. Story of my life. But we learn from mistakes and carry on as long as we are given. I often hope they realize the choices they are passing up.

Friday afternoon, after lunch with The Dude and the totally stunning news that he is ready to tie it up with his teenager. I had no idea. While I could only hope my feelings would be returned, a total rejection was a real blow.

And then I learned that another friend, who manages an old local business, will be out of work when it closes next week. I went over for a quiet chat about problem A above and walked into problem B.

And I have been given the word to report to work on Monday. Cleared by the doctor for something. So I have the option of working all day again with The Dude, so he can rub it in if he chooses.

So we are pretending cancer is the least of my worries? Winning Friday! And, of course, there is no guarantee it is gone with the surgery. Wow. Sometimes it all falls. And we come to normally the best part, the weekend and my trip to the Coop. I plan to have the usual dark roast before shopping, but no longer expect my best bud to bother showing up. He is too busy and does not get enough sleep, I believe it goes.

So I have a weekend of decision. And deep sadness. And whatever arises. I have never been able to find lasting happiness in my whole life, and today sure proves the point. I wish the Dude my very best and hope he remembers others who cared.

Merry Day After Christmas. Have to report on the Day. It was a special day, the first Christmas I have not spoken to anyone. Not one sound. No visitors. No phones. Nothing at all. And it was damn lonesome.
I hoped The Dude would stop around, but I have learned he was just a bit tuckered out.

And no, I did not have a big feast. Ate the usual veggie meal, which tasted fine. Worked on the computer. Thought over the invitation to return to work Monday. Need to make some lifestyle decisions within a few days.

As you may recall, my hope was to prepare to launch The Biz with The Dude. Well, Dude has been doing the backflop recently. Not enough of a man to dive in and make us wealthy. I am not sure of his problems, as not long ago, he was ready to go in a week. He provided a list of options, and I saw some promising ones. Not recently. He seems stuck in a rut.

So I am facing a call about Monday. It is a sunny, if chilly, day here. Nice to look forward to a lunch with The Dude. Not sure what the next year will bring. The doctors have let me off the hook for several months, so I need to keep gulping pills and trying to get back into shape. Would like to shed a ton and surprise The Dude. He expects to keep leading. Now he is GAINING. Yippee. Glad he is about where I am.
I hardly expected the presents and wishes of younger days. So many are gone now. So I arose with modest hopes, which were not even met. I nibbled on the food gift from the neighbor lady. Good stuff. And I just hung around. Wondering how my good friend The Dude was doing. Guess he did not "celebrate" either, but then again he does not recognize the celebration. While I disagree, I do respect it.

Merry Christmas, everyone. Wet and chilly morning here, but not raining any longer. Supposed to turn cold afterwards. I was up at the usual time, per the doctor. Read all the sale ads for Friday. And began more cleaning. This sick period has been great for arranging, fussing, and primping. I feel so much better about the estate.

Anyway, it is the holiday moring. As you probably know, my immediate family has passed over the years, and I am left alone on these days. That is OK. It is not a new experience, as my mom died several years ago and my dad nearly 30 years earlier. Just life. Yes, I would very much like to see The Dude today, but he has all his family and the new one this year, so he has enough to handle. Hope he realizes how much I am thinking of him nonetheless.

I was informed yesterday that my dr. has cleared me to return to work, and that I am therefore expected to do so. True, it has been a fairly long "vacation," including frequent dr. visits and two surgeries. And a multitute of pills. While I have not been at the office, I have not exactly been enjoying a wild ride. Most days are quiet, businesslike, and probably interrupted by shots and readings. Nonetheless, with the surgery over, the clearance was given.

Now the issue is, of course, do I? There are a few days to mull the question. She expects an answer Monday. I have requested a chat with The Dude, but received no response to date. So I am on my own.

And the first reaction seems to be where did I get the cancer and the high blood pressure? While surgery and pills can control the immediate effects, that is the past. How about additional problems from the same sources? On the other hand, why toss life up in the air? Without support from my partner, there is nothing. On the other hand, if I now have a limited lifespan, is working the best response? And if the issue is finally settled, what other options open?

So I am in a pickle. Not exactly worrying, but always mulling. After 11 years, one pretty much knows his job. And if he does not, it is due to the memory loss from the medicine, which will continue. So while the idea of more free time is not a big boost, it sharpens the focus and hones the issue for the holidays.

I am planning about the same today, unless my "family" visits. I am feeling good, no pain, not tired, just puzzled and pushed. Each Christmas season seems to get wierder and more unexpected. Instead of rushing the tree, these days I head for the computer and whatever small chores it requires. Perhaps a walk? At any rate, washing always.

So to any and all readers, a Merry Christmas.

A rainy Eve this morning. Windy, warmish, and somehow just right. I slept well. In fact, the doctor warned me yesterday about getting too much. Not sure why. But instead of rolling over today, I arose and started doing. Feeling good, even if the appt. did not produce any gains from the last month. Despite that, she put me on a two-month program with the same medication, so she must be at least satisfied. In fact the first reading was worse, but after a few minutes of relaxation, it came down to the same as last time. One cannot help but conclude that the fear of cancer at the same time hardly helps.

Weird incident yesterday. I stopped in at a favorite discount grocery where I buy staples. Needed something because the kindly neighbor who is so superb at baking once again sent over a plate of her best assorted stuff along with decorations that always are pretty and useful around the house. So I have an assortment to share with dropins. What I wanted to send over was not down there, so as I looked around I saw two people I know. One helped me with my book, entitled Steel Rails and Territorial Tales from Limberlost Press. He is an artist who designed the cover, attended our signing party, and continues to work for the state. The other person happens to know The Dude.

Somehow The Dude came up. And voluntarily the OP commented that he saw Dude cheat on our diet program. I was totally shocked, as my bud comes across as the most honest human on the planet, someone who would never even think of not telling me of his ways. It took me several moments to recover. And then I began to contemplate that it would be ever so tempting if the other person were absent to just go ahead.

Now one might think I would be doing the same. Well, as someone older and wiser, my word is my bond. Even if I see The Dude only a few times a week if that, I promised him I would do such and so, and I have. The very idea that The Dude would go back on his word, even over the holidays that he does not recognize, is a major shock. I just hope my blood pressure does not over-react to the blow!

So we start the Eve. The Dude has mentioned doing lunch, which would be a treat. I suppose now we need to decide between the Tiger Triple Burger and the Very Veggie Version. Of course I will stick to the course as I promised, but will be willing to wait in the car while The Dude chows down. His fate is his choice. And, of course, anything I learn just makes me care the more.

Pretty Tuesday morning here, but chilly. As a usual day, I am facing another medical appt. this afternoon, but have the morning free. I am so used to this scenario by now it seems like the normal day. You can go all your life in good health, but the medical routine does not take long to get established.

Monday was an interesting day in several ways. I had a nearly all-afternoon session with a consultant who prefers a mental approach to health. We discussed the parts of the body in a general sense and how each contributes to health. I learned much of his perspective and how he feels it all interacts. Most of the information was new to me, and he explained it very well without actually treating my particular problem. It was an introductory session to explore if I wanted to go that route in contrast to the physical steps advocated by my doctor and the other two helping him. As before, I came away puzzled. What I was told was a hit to the core, like my job or other lifestyle pieces were damaging beyond loss of sleep, etc. They introduced negative factors that caused illness. Since it is rather hard to change factors in a job one does not structure, it sounds as if there is not much hope given current factors. I am sure we would explore this. Nice man, great dog, but no promises.

In the mail, I received several cards including one from a former employee. He was very kind, as he has been in his emails. They also have had a tough year with a major job change and a nearby fire that almost took their new home, which was purchased this year as well. He is a terrific person whom I miss every day, and it was good to hear positive news for a change. But then yesterday there was a major earthquake around his area!

A card arrived from The Dude. That is nothing particularly new, as we have been friends for a time now. But The Dude is not a believer, shall we say, so the card was in fact a non-card. It was to "celebrate" something he does not believe happened at all. It was to wish the rest of us, who do not know what we are talking about, a happy holiday. I was grateful to get it, of course, and it was so nice to think of my best bud, but if he sincerely does not believe, why bother? He recognizes an event he does not really recognize in person. It would have been more honest to do nothing. Of course I love the card, but it also raises questions.

I have not heard directly from The Dude in several days. Not sure what he is doing. His silence raises the issue of "the" day itself. I had very happy days when growing up, as the only child in a happy family. My wishes were always at the top of the list. But as the years have passed, so have the adults who created the day for me. My parents are both gone now, as are so many of the relatives. One little boy had a huge cast of family members. The boy remains single, while the family cast has dissolved. From the grandfather who was retired when the boy was born to the uncle who blew himself up in a farm accident, on down to the more recent losses - the stage has cleared. And now the boy is pretty much by himself on holidays. It is normally not a big deal, but this one is so personal. Frankly I had hoped at least to plan an event with The Dude, like preparing food or taking a drive or whatever, but even he, being younger, has lots of his own plans. His cast remains and grows. I understand that, it is a good thing, and I must live with it.

So I prepare to handle the last full day before the holiday. We always got off early at work, and I imagine tomorrow will be a half-holiday many places. I have kept up with the "chores" such as they are and very much enjoyed the cards received. Of course the constant medical stuff is a downer, but the health seems to be improving, although with cancer it is so hard to tell. You feel good one day and are stricken the next. But if I have learned the affect of the mental, I am positive and handling the challenge. One learns daily, both good and bad. One learns more about his "enemy" which in this case is himself! And one learns more about his friends, including those he loves.

It is a cold and rainy Saturday afternoon. I have been out as usual to The Coop and to an estate sale, handled by a fellow State employee. Did not buy anything, but nice to see a friend. It was a busy morning, and now I am ready to park it for the rest of this relaxing day. A good friend sent a box of truffles. He always does, and despite my vows, I always pitch in. It tastes as good as ever, and I promise to share more and pig out less. OK, that is usual, too.

There is a lot on my plate. The immediate effects of the surgery seem over as of the last visit, and now more long range decisions are at hand, as well as insurance claims and work decisions. I am hoping the holidays will postpone the hard choices a bit longer.

You know, I have been thinking about The Dude today. Yes, I mention him often. We exchanged e mails, and he has been sick most of the week, which explains the lack of contact. Sorry to hear it. I guess it goes with having a small child. And if it helps our diet, so be it.

I have to admit that I am very grateful for The Dude. It has been a tough last half of the year. But fond memories of the first portion plus frequent contacts have made the cancer period fly by. I look forward to his e mails, lunches, and whatever his mind creates. He has been a very loyal and very true companion, and I give thanks we happened to meet. He is the only one who has stayed in constant touch and offered to do much if needed. A true friend.

Who can say of the future? Our planning seems to have nearly halted, but our feelings and concern remain. We both have real problems right now, but we remain together in spirit. We are as tight as we could be, and it means the world. Thanks to a Great Dude.

Well, enough of this banter. Whatever the next year brings, it has been a real growth experience, and I am in a way very grateful.

Nice sunny morning. The energy level seems a bit low so far, but I have worked on the computer with some success. I tend to spend too much time on medical stuff, but such is life. Already had several e mails concerning the subject. Ready for something else, like a nice lunch with The Dude. We missed again Monday. In fact, I have not heard a word for days. It is nice to be clued in on events.

Monday was rather boring. Just stayed home, slept a bit, and fussed. The place looks pretty good. My Seattle friend sent a box of red holiday goblets, the same as the ones I sent last year. And as last year, 4 of the 6 arrived broken. He promises to try again. The packaging seems more than adequate, but somehow the stems give way and pieces emerge.

Otherwise, a promising day. I feel good, but still a bit low on energy. A nice long lunch with The Dude will really cheer me up. Hope he gets in touch soon. Otherwise, samo samo.

My it has been a long time between blogs. Over a whole week. Frankly, not much has changed. Yes, I am still recovering from the operation. Seem to be sleeping well with less discomfort, but still have little energy. I do take walks, but they are calculated to be short or wind up near a bus stop. The first halfway seems just perfect, then there is the return home.

I regret to report that I did not see The Dude all last week. It means a great deal to get together, and simply put I miss him. While he may feel that I am not doing much of interest, he cannot be sure unless we confer. I watched the European tour shows with great attention, and I always make mental notes of where we should go on our Grand Tour. The Dude has not responded to an intinerary, but there is time. As for our future biz, I continue to have coffee at our favorite cafe and continue to juggle aspects. There again we have not honed in on a particular plan, but we continue to discuss dreams. He has much going on, but he is so capable that he can handle it and keep paddling.

This week I am again seeing doctors. What's new? The bleeding seems to have tapered off, but I expect another drain coming up. The appearance will never be great again, but it was necessary and caught in time. Still a big surprise. My friend in Seattle has promised to send some gifts. Not really necessary. He has been most generous with his time and his concern. But the first arrived already. It was a box of red goblets. Long story there, as it was intended to replace a set I ordered for myself. They were sent to his address, and he kept them. Guilty conscience?? Whatever, it was a complete surprise. I have been doing less this year due to my tiredness and frankly, my rather unhappy year. There is little good news to share. At best, it was an ordinary year. And at worst, a rather trying one with much uncertainty. But such occasions make us stronger, and I hope it is so with me.

So another week begins at Acorn Cottage. Many of the decorations are arranged, and the poinsettias are up. The place looks nice, if a bit subdued. No tree this year. No evergreen stairway. But enough stuff to remind one of the holiday. I hope to receive some cards this week. One arrived from my boss. It has a photo of the Capitol Christmas tree (indoors). Not really a tree, but a tree shaped of plants. Very unusual idea and lovely picture. Will be a future heirloom. Thanks to Pam and Diane.

Anyway, hope to be seeing The Dude soon and checking on his weekend. For some reason, my favorite pizza place would not deliver my order. I tried twice to score some food and nearly starved. Wonder what is going on. Got a nasty e mail from my best bud explaining he had to apologize for the order. Strange behavior there. Thanks would have felt much better.

We have reached Friday morning, gateway to the weekend. I feel OK again today. The scar looks OK, too. Had a few e mails to start things off. My Phoenix bud is doing his celebration dinner today as he accepted a new job and may move back to Seattle. I am so happy for him, as he is a good guy and deserves to finish his career on top.

I am planning to attend an estate sale this morning. Know the lady, who is in a nursing home. The traffic already looks fierce. Since it is a single woman, I suspect most of the stuff is female type, so being late is not a panic. It is windy, and I still have limited stamina. Will work on the PC until it is time.

As for The Dude, we still have not done the Jakers thing. He may not want to eat lunch there, or he is too busy. Whatever, just a quiet chat would boost my spirits and help healing. It is always a pleasure to see him, and I always learn something. He talked me into an online paper yesterday. Will be interesting. Of course I signed up at once.

So we begin another day of recovery. I seem to be sleeping a bit less, which may be a good sign of getting back to normal. Usually wake up in the middle of the night, then sleep in a bit more than usual. Always hope The Dude leaves me something on the computer, but found nothing today. I look forward to it.

Nice to be at home this crisp winter morning. Feels comfortable, after a very tense Wednesday. My appts. kept moving, so I finally set out after 1 to have the surgery checked. He was pleased and thought it looked good and on-schedule. Also saw a doctor, very distinquished, related to radiation treatment. He gave me the stats on the two followup functions. He said the chemo, which I had discussed before, was good for another 2-3%, while radiation, more intensive in number of visits, was perhaps 5-7%. The surgery was at 80%. Everyone is ready to start, but me!

I came home around 6, tired, over-loaded, confused, wondering where the hell we stand. Of course you want the best chance, but at what cost? And my progress will be checked regularly anyway.

And I was told that I have been placed on the FMLA laws, which require forms. So much happens without my involvement these days. You wake up, receive calls and mail and even e mail, and go to bed tired. I continue to diet, but without real changes. And I continue to clean and re-arrange and wonder about holiday traditions. Is it a time-out year?

I suppose all the above combined with my best bud's seeming refusal to go further on our biz plan makes me totally, helplessly confused. I had hoped to present him with a plan to earn real dough, but he refused to consider it. Ah, me. I suppose combining business savvy with personal feelings is a bad combo? He even suggested continuing the discussion in his hot tub. Hmmmm.

So I am hoping for a quieter day, with a few minutes to think and a few e mails to help clear the fog. I have had some wonderful ones, and feel there is a network of good friends supporting me. While I mention The Dude as the #1, there are many others. They are out of town, but very caring. I am grateful and have learned a number of valuable lessens outside of the medical arena.

Tuesday afternoon. Lovely day, warm temps for thie winter. I made it to the store and back without passing out. Even chatted with an old friend. Feeling some strength at last, not ready to pass out every block. Nice to feel it. Certainly not 100% yet, but with care, getting better. I am young enough and large enough to have a reserve, if I am healthy.

The day took quite the turn when I received e mail from The Dude accepting my apology for using a wrong word. He promised not to be so picky and denied he ever was! And he went on to state that he had no interest in a joint business. That was a new one. Before it had been get the right idea, and I am right behind you. So I have been wrestling with ideas assuming that was the problem. Not it appears any idea is not worth it.

I have always admired The Dude for being straight forward and not changing his mind. Ah, ho. Where did that Dude go? Instead of moving our timeline a bit, he indicated it did not matter to him at all. Quite the shock for the cancer victim!

So it hurts a great deal. We have yet to risk something, but we were planning to do so. And in the middle of my recovery, my future good feelings just disappeared. Fortunately, I have faced many bad times in my life, so it is possible to carry on. Just without cheer.

Hopefully at some point we can talk this one through. Guess there is no point in sharing my latest and greatest? Just have to look for some other friend who wants to make a ton of money? Ah, me.