Rock 11

Another beautiful morning, warm and cozy. My first morning without thinking about going to the office, so I am adjusting times. Woke up early, but just turned over.

Monday was an amazing day. It has been a long time without any days off, so I had to think it through. When the issue of making a claim arose, I worked on it. Also e mailed friends and made other small changes.

It was just terrific to see The Dude at my favorite place for lunch. One realizes when alone most of the time how special good friends really are. Of course I was going to have more time here, but just a lunch with someone special makes a world of difference. We had a sharp and lively discussion, pledged secrecy, and talked of the future. I just cannot say enough what a great dude he really is and how much I need him in my life. Whatever happens between us, we will decide it together. We both are totally honest with each other and know where we are coming from.

Today I need to see some former co-workers about business. I planned to do this later in the morning to free up the lunch space, but Dude said he may not make it. Yes it is too bad, but he has a life. Hope it comes off. Later I have another dr appt in the afternoon. Looking for better numbers, which have been tough to achieve. The battle over my injury is tougher than I ever imagined. And lots of things I need to figure out for myself, or discuss with Dude.

In sum, Monday was a pretty good day. I began the housework, though slowly I admit. I began the healing process in earnest. And we began the discussion of a future business. I learned some surprising things. But it is early, so I am just absorbing and mulling. Just spending time together means so much that whatever comes of it right now, the pleasure is great. We even chatted about buying a sofa for his home, and I also can use one. Hope we can do together.

Well, time to pull it together. I am behind the usual schedule, but that is OK. I much need to get back to good health before pushing on. While it is not really "fun," the accident has made it necessary. And a lovely autumn day is not a bad one to have for oneself.

Mid afternoon and lovely. It has been a busy day at the PC, on the phone, and with a visitor. The Dude made it for lunch out, and we had a lively discussion. I tried to explain my actions, and perhaps had just a little impact. He is not supporting me verbally, but is on my side with respect to privacy. I appreciate that, and we had a fine veggie breakfast at my favorite place. Good to see his slim self, and we chatted like people who have a real tie. I needed to feel that, as I have been busy filling out accident reports and talking on the phone with a few others. It has been nearly impossible to get other things done, but I do not feel in the mood anyway. There will be time for that.

I am beginning to catch up on the house chores. I have several days until the operation, so there is time to chip away. The Dude and I briefly discussed a possible business, but we are no closer. The ball may be in his court at this time. I have some days until medical treatment, and then I should be more ready to move ahead. We still have not hit common ground, but the discussion was enough for today. I am hoping he comes up with a specific proposal, but then again he is not facing what I am right now. Always good to see him, and it meant lots.

Well, I am wrapping up the computer stuff for today. Completed the job form and did other chores, but now need to move a bit. Almost time for dinner, the first in many moons away from job stress. I hope to make lots of progress on my b p issue and to manage to stop the internal stuff. We shall see. At any rate, it has been a first class day and worth every minute.

We have reached 3 pm on a wonderful late summer afternoon. Day is warm and beautiful. Makes the entire atmosphere feel just great. I have been reading and watering. This change of pace is getting pretty smooth itself. Usually I am worrying about upcoming work events, but with none, I am thinking about home projects that are overdue. For the monent, yes I am just resting. I am doing a little per time, but have no masterplan, which is needed to get the house totally cleaned. More important not to overdue.

No, I have not seen The Dude. Wanted to, but will not push. I respect him enough to back off. Yes, he is needed greatly, but he has his own full plate. We could do great things, but he needs to dedicate himself. I cannot do it for anyone. All my planning is with him in mind, and all my hopes are for a life together. But there are 2 people involved. Can only dream.

And for now, I am thinking about the health. Walked to the office to collect the final paper needed and to drop off the tags needed. Then I walked to the store to buy just a few things. Turned out to be a real workout. Collapsed on the porch with a magazine. Amazing, but my mind is drifting away from my workload of over ten years to the life just ahead. Of course it is important to correct the health problems, and then I plan to continue the diet until we reach the proper table figure. Those things alone will make a huge difference. I have been dieting with The Dude as you know. He has the lead, but if I can control intake 100% now, I expect to press the contest. I did it before, and it can happen again. I firmly believe the more we compete, the better off we both will be. Being fat is NOT the answer for any situation. We have a spirited, but friendly, comtest, and I always wish him the very best. He is looking hotter and hotter.

Tomorrow is the first working day that it all will come out. I still hope to see The Dude before that happens. Dinner out would be great. I need his support more than ever. The transition is scary, frankly. Have been here before and know what is ahead. He seems to be doing his own transition, and he has made more progress in the time we have had together, he says, than in his entire life. We both wish the absolute best for the other guy, and I am always proud of him. He has become quite The Dude!

If I see him soon, great. If not, the usual TV for Sunday. The programs tend to be pretty good, and I am not in the mood to begin ironing. Would be nice to have some emotional company, but cannot force it. Will try to satisfy myself until he shows. Don't know if he is aware of what is going on yet, but he will be.

P S It is now mid-morning on a simply glorious morning. Have been working on the computer for some time, so unable to receive calls. It would be great to meet at the neighborhood place for a late breakfast and discussion. It is now 10:30. I will be walking to the office to pick up the paper, then back home and eventually up to the market. Please keep this in mind Dude. Would like to see you.

A glorious Sunday morning. Still warm here, and I am looking forward to it. Have to go to the office about 10 and pick up one more thing I forgot yesterday. Nothing major, but helpful. Did not hear from The Dude all day yesterday, but he may be unaware of what is going on. I do hope for a call today. He is busy and making his own transition, for which I am grateful. Whatever happens in our business venture, I know he will be a big success. He is just a great guy.

As for myself, I am trying to think things thru. I know Monday will be hectic, so this may be the last quiet day. While I have been thru the exact same thing before, the other factors are much different. It is nice to look at the house this time and see the projects needed. I will have the chance to concentrate on them. And the election is close, and I may have the chance to do somethig there.

The big issue for me is the operation next week. While I do not want it, the stage is set to concentrate on it, if it is needed. I have never had one before. That is not the issue, however. If there is even the small chance of the big C, it is a concern. But since I cannot do a thing one way or the other, I plan to have as good a week as possible. Hope for a few good times with The Dude and a full discussion of where we stand. I need his compansionship and support even more now. We will see how he handles it.

It is a most unusual Saturday. Most of mine are similar, but not this one. I decided after yesterday to resign and spend time on the new project with The Dude. It took some time to sort the papers and pamphlets, but not all that long. I was alone and could concentrate. Then I came home briefly, and did the usual weekend thing of dark roast coffee and shopping at The Coop.

Now that I am done, after a nice ride home to save perhaps an hour, I have completed the chores and am now ready to mow/water. This is a most unusual day, completely different than I expected. Hope still to hear from The Dude, but he does not know what is going on. It is a lovely and even hot day for late September, much like summer. The flowers always are lovely before the first frost.

I have been thinking lots today, as you might expect. My plans with The Dude are not complete as yet, so I need to begin work on those. And I also realized at The Coop how lonesome it is without him in a place we always go together. He is a special individual, and I learn something each trip. He showed me the stuff he bought earlier in the week, and some of it I had never seen. Might try them next trip. But whatever, I have at least seen them because of my best friend.

The stuff has been moved and mostly sorted out. Only required one (heavy) box. Did not take much time, really. Needed to double check, of course. Hoped to see The Dude at the Coop, but no such luck. Saw a bitching Mustang convertible for sale, however, and fell in love. I do not own a car and probably will not, but I still enjoy staring.

Anyway, I guess it is time to begin the new life. While mowing is hardly new, the situation sure has changed. I still hope The Dude calls, but he has so much going on himself. We certainly need a heart-to-heart soon. Perhaps he will read this, as we share blogs daily.

Good morning on a weekend. Did not sleep well last evening. Friday was a rough day. Had decisions to make. They are made. Wanted to chat with The Dude, but he seemed too busy. Missed his input, but just had to push ahead. He seems occupied with other things these days, which is fine for him but not helpful. Anyway, I need to go out early, then I hope he calls. It is our usual coffee/chat day, and today we need a chat more than ever.

The end of the week at last. I have some heavy duty today preparing for a pre-construction meeting this afternoon, but we are on the way. Feeling good once again. Arose really early to get stuff done and am making good progress.

The newspaper carried the sad news one of our bus riders was run over. He was a parking cop downtown. Really nice man. I was hoping we had heard wrong. No picture, but the description fit. Sad, sad news.

The Dude should be back today. I am very interested to hear of his adventures. Today he is co-hosting a meeting for lunch, so we won't share a meal. Would be nice to have another discussion. I have not heard about our usual Saturday coffee either. Always enjoy a quiet moment to compare goals and dreams. Of course I want to provide what I can. His idea of last week, while exciting, may or may not be doable. Have been thinking it over all week. I really cannot afford a flop either professionally or personally, and I do not expect one. But my experience shows good planning essential, and I do not want to leap without doing our homework.

I am looking forward to the weekend. Supposed to be quite warm and dry, and I am eager to arrive at the Coop for coffee and shopping. That place has really helped my weight loss and peace of mind. Different from the others. We usually spend a couple of hours there, and The Dude drops me off. It is a special and great time that I have come to look forward to weekly. Much different than my old experience.

It appears the third cat is not returning. She has been gone for weeks now without a sign. I look for posters in case she ran away, but I have no reason to think so. She was getting old. While we were not close, I do miss her and wish she had taken another course. The other two continue to do fine.

Well, time to begin Friday. Never know what will happen these days. Life is exciting, fun, and above all challenging. The Dude and I have much to do, but we seem to enjoy the company and challenge. Thanks again to him for all he brings to my life.

When The Dude is no where around, something is wrong. I got through a pretty good day, including a great bagel lunch at a place we both like lots, but nothing was the same. The Dude has just become a part of me, his wisdom, humor, good sense, knowledge. When there is no one to bounce off of, something is missing. I made it, as I have for years, but nothing was the same. It is always better when...

I learned some things today. We will discuss these. And I know he did, as he was in a class today. Always interesting to hear what his intriguing boss comes up with. Heard on the bus coming home that one of our regulars, a cop, was hit in a crosswalk and killed. Very nice guy. Not talkative, but just fitting in. Will miss him very much. Since my scare recently, I have a different outlook on the others. For the first time, I might not have come back to see them. Very, very different view of life.

I am pleased to say I had more energy today. And the water pill made no difference. Is that good or bad? While I do not want the whole office to know what is going on, the care expressed by The Dude has come to mean everything to me. He is so special. I hope, but maybe not, to return the favors someday. He can always have it.

I hope Friday or at least Saturday over our usual cup of dark roast to make more progress. I have been given perspective recently, something perhaps The Dude does not yet have. Want to share. He sees the same things I do, but faces them from a different age. I am not all that old, but his youth can be disgusting. Just kidding, Dude!

Another work morning. Feeling awake and ready to walk in. One advantage I have is being close to the office. It takes like 20 minutes to get there, and it is a pleasant and flat stroll. Usually walk at least one way.

Today looks interesting. The Dude is off having a confab with his other employer. This happens once or twice a year. He always seems to enjoy them. I will be filling in while "the women" do lunch. Could be a long shift. The day will be broken up.

As always, I have much to do. Things are not at all clear now, but that makes them interesting. I am feeling up to the challenge, but bothered by the constant demands of the drs to do this or take that. Rather demanding, but I need to win this fight.

Have been considering business plans, as usual. Things are not clear now, so I will be happy when The Dude is back on board. He has said he will give our situation more thought in the future. I have many questions, but few answers. His suggestion involves a field I know little about, which presents challenges. We are not ruling anything out now, but we may need more research. It helps me to be able to exchange questions and issues during the day. When I am by myself, there is no one to share with. We have not told anyone of our plans.

One sidelight to the business plans. The Dude and I need to lose some weight, and we have a competition. In fact, we "compete" in lots of things for amusement. He has been more successful, until he cheats that is. I have closed to within a dozen lbs. Of course he began earlier, but that is another story. Anyway, I am taking some medicine right now that I hope will help me out. Of course it is not a long range answer, but if it helps me beat my bud, fine. And also achieve the goal of a normal weight. We have been above average for many years each and want finally to get down to the table figure. We are about the same height, so we are looking at the same final number. I am proud of us both so far. The Dude can be a dedicated guy and not take no for an answer. I can, too. My progress has been more steady, with not a single lb regained. He tends to get playful at times and cheat. We remain, however, dedicated vegetarians.

Well, I am off to face the dragons of Thursday. Always miss The Dude more than I can say, but he learns and I learn. We are only helping each other in the long run. Smarter and smarter. We want to learn the very best.

Mid week. Good morning. Lovely start to the day. The improved health situation after the accident has perked up my mood. Finally there is real progress, after back and forth weeks. I have just a few minutes before getting ready for the office, one of the last times we think.

The Dude is off, doing his thing about moving back to the house. He is doing so well these days. Guess I think of him as much as myself. Our preparations to set us up matter to us both equally. I would not be doing this without him. So avoiding mistakes and cashing in on chances is the key. I think of little else. The answers are elusive, but the goal is clear.

Must say my mood is so much better. So far I am not sharing the plans with anyone locally, but I have some good e mail pals who could help. Several offers so far. It sure is heartwarming. I would love to begin the new chapter with all the good feelings expressed. Funny how I am closer to former workers who started their own biz than to current workers.

I am not happy about being alone today, but it is one of those chapters. It is so good to see The Dude doing well. I realized Tuesday once again how special he is and how lucky we are to have found each other. Building something together will be ever so exciting. And I truly feel ready for it, after much debate with myself whether the risk is worth it. If not now, when? Plan on many more years to the official day, healthy and active, or lose the chance altogether? Of course I am very health conscious and always keeping ready, but one never knows. Sometimes the iron is simply hot

So if The Dude is listening, hi. Hope you get it all done, and good luck. Will miss you, but we each have challenges to face. Always easier together.

Interesting short blog tonight. I am relaxing after a pretty fine day. Saw the b p dr. this afternoon, and I am much better. The numbers are doing better, but she wants to add a final drug tomorrow. Hope this one does the job. I have come down many, many points.

Guess I may not see The Dude tomorrow. He is very busy these days, and good things are happening for him. That is terrific. I always wish him the very best. In fact, I wish all my friends the very best. The road of life can be pretty hard, and The Dude is doing great. I am so proud of him. He has had some rough patches, but things seem fine now. Good going, Dude.

But I must admit some disappointment. I touched him today, and he made a big deal of it. Nothing suggesting anything more than affection. What is he afraid of? I would never do anything someone else did not want. But I have feelings for The Dude and must on occasion display it. Not a "threat" to my best bud. He overreacted, and it made the moment go from touching to trash. I sure regret it. The Dude is so very special, no matter what happens.

Good Tuesday morning. First off, I read my friend's new blog. He does a fine job, but chooses not to connect his stuff. Always a new insight. Very nice.

I slept well again. Just cannot keep the eyes open. Ready to face Tuesday. Seeing one dr later today for a b p check. Hope to make progress on that issue. Otherwise, not sure what today will bring. I had a nice contact from a friend in San Diego. He seemed interested what The Dude and I might be planning. I gave him a thumbnail. Probably have something back today.

Each day seems a struggle right now. The business plan, while an interesting challenge, is not easy. And my health issues seem to continue. And we are busy at work. And I was told late yesterday that a nice co-worker has no chance to beat cancer. Quite a blow. And so life continues in the new century.

I am feeling good this morning. Usually get off to a good start, then poop out when I return home. My boss had me working on several problems Monday. We made some progress, but did not get them solved.

It was lonely without seeing The Dude. He was very busy, especially on the moving issue. He got his home back, so he will be there again. I am happy for him and understand his pressures. If you love someone, you come to accept being pushed around by their needs. To see him happy means everything.

Good Monday morning. I had a sublime sleep last night. Woke up a couple of times, but went right back to it. Great dreams, lazy and lovely. My chat with The Dude was just great. His passion really came out. Nice to see, and I forsee the new business as passion based. While he is still young, I have reached the point where I do something I really want to do. I am not settling anymore, and if I can create the same for my good friend, it will be a great gift. I can do nothing less for The Dude.

Starting a new week today, but with a new attitude. As you know, these blogs are written mainly for one person, though I try to express a philosophy of life to the world. And I say to him that I expect further and more specific progress this week. I am most excited about the feeling of my own space, and I do not have all the time in the world to fool around with this. I have the energy and the spirit to tackle serious stuff.

There is much to do, but we are on the road. I do expect some fun along the way, as we "argue" about some items. The Dude makes even splits fun, as we both know that we are bonded. We will come through the tense moments and laugh about them. Great feeling for sure. He knows I love and will care for him, and I feel the same way. Very reassuring, as my life lately has been a bit harrowing. I have made decisions by myself and faced problems not faced before. Not a lovely situation. But overall The Dude has driven me into new situations where I am most happy. His inspiration has caused many changes. There is not a day that is the same, and the weekends now are so very happy. Seeing him was great, but even without him the changes have made the world better. I had a great Sunday alone, and I suppose that is what counts. One's personal attitude has to change to make things go. And I have learned so much. Yes, The Dude is smart and teaches me stuff. But he also has an outlook I learn from constantly, and I have tried to do the same. Somehow we finally agree and make progress. Now is our biggest test. And with him there, we will be a fabulous success. I can hardly wait.

Anyway, time to get ready for work. Not sure how many weeks to go, but it is OK. There is something better ahead, which is always interesting. Good morning, Dude. I L U and am looking forward to another week of planning.

Late on a lovely Sunday PM. I have been feeling good and hitting the postponed chores, such as watering and trimming. Not running around, but thinking better. The entire yard needs water again, but limited quantities.

Talked to the neighbor as he painted his new carport. Glad we did not switch places! Trimmed extra trunks from my fairly new maple seedling. Cleaned up here and there. Did not hear from The Dude, but there was planty to do. Our plans have been on my mind, and I wrote e mail to my buddy in Seattle who is a management expert. While I took the same graduate courses, he started his own company.

My intention for The Dude is to get more specific. I have some questions and issues. Interesting he did not ask me to name a job. He talked about his own experiences and dropped the subject. We were short on time, no doubt, so I took that explanation. Next time we need to explore the issues he raised. I have several questions, several positive ideas, and need more info. He knows I care about what he says and will do what I can to make it happen. However, perhaps we need also to look at the field. His idea really is rather good on the surface, an ideal way to spend our time. But I can see drawbacks, as well as challenges.

However, I very much enjoy speaking frankly and mulling over his inner thoughts. He seemed very open and very willing to spill, which is so important to our future. "Lying" even with a positive spin is not going to cut it. We have too much at stake. As for the coming week, he is booked Thurs. and Friday that I know of, which I hope gives us time to sort things out. Since we both care and trust, I am hoping we can move rapidly at least at first. I have no qualms about The Dude, either his abilities or his sincerity. Cannot really say that about any other non-family member. Man is that a great feeling.

Time to enjoy Victory Garden, one of my fav shows. I have been thinking business nearly all day and want to enjoy the evening. Not to say that future planning is unexciting. This is one terrific chance to hit gold. Since I studied so much business and know much about the needed resources, it is a welcome challenge after 10 years in a government office. While I enjoy the job, it is not my direct area. And a fun area like plays is worth much thought.

Hope The Dude had his own good day. I can only guess what went on. The entire weekend has been a rebuilding one for me. I have not been myself lately due to an injury that isn't my fault. Just festered. Hope I am moving back to a Rock. I am not a young man, but I have enjoyed good health and a good mind. Hope this week brings it all back. At least I can e mail The Dude, my main man.

Having a blog is kind of fun. While at times I am ready to can it, today is not one of those times. It is a beautiful afternoon, and I have been reading and mulling. My parents ran their own business when I was around college age, so I remember the triumphs and the problems. It went very well at the start, with the basic idea a success. They examined various options, including buying a canned program, then decided to use their own model. They began quite late in life, however, and poor health made an inroads. My mother gradually carried more and more of the burden. Before they reached any business conclusion, Dad passed on.

At any rate, I have been reviewing The Dude's idea, whiich needs much fleshing out at this point. However, the basic concept is most interesting. If he is so drawn to it, that means he will most willingly throw himself into our business. That is very important to me. He tends to judge his input by the attractiveness of the project, so a boring idea is going nowhere.

I do have a concern about the expense. We have not discussed money as yet, which is fine. But there will come a time. While I am not posting the idea at this point, it will require lots of give and take. Conversation is our long suit, and I have no problem with it.

Just let me say I am so pleased to have something on the table and a common interest. Sure makes the weekend more exciting. Instead of mulling over the flowers, I am thinkng cash. Whooppee! But regardless, this jump requires planning. We cannot let our enthusiasm or perhaps our personal feelings, push us too fast. I learned much from my parents careful planning. They made some very sound decisions. In their case, the business also involved a move to a nearby town, which caused house buying problems that seemed to get off on the wrong foot. We do not have such problems, which is good. We also know this town much better than they knew theirs.

The point is at this time I cannot seem to think of anything else. It is exciting, which it certainly should be. With The Dude's longer timeline, I am unsure where we are right now. He always seemed to me ready to make the leap NOW, which is what I am seeking too. If a long delay cames into the picture, some other issues emerge.

I have not heard from The Dude yet today. He has much on his plate, so it is his call. I can always continue the housework. My mind seems to be in fine shape today, which I hope means the internal stuff is improving. At any rate, I am getting stuff done. But I am always willing to stop whatever and have a further chat.

In fact, we have fun chats. His description of things on Saturday was interesting, and the level of real interest was thrilling. While I have gotten to know the surface level well, enough to make an emotional vow to him, the deeper deals are just coming out. I think it is important to work these thru. We have the time to get the planning in place. The last time I worked on such issues, I was already unemployed and losing time and money. This is much different. But I do not wish to delay the process any further. It is just getting too exciting and too close to postpose any longer. So far I have seen absolutely nothing to prevent a big success. I know, I know, we could review these words someday and just cry. But I do not believe it for a minute.

The washer is nearly done. I am working on the little things and ready for any breaks that may come along. Since the phone is blocked by Web activity, who knows what is incoming? I will wrap it up.

In conclusion, it has been an outstanding day to review Saturday and plan the next step. I think, despite the limited time. we had a start. I suspect we will move quickly when it is called for. I am finding a new business venture quite exciting. We are fairly recent friends who seem to have moved through stages quickly and always emerge stronger. At times The Dude enjoys sticking it to me, but then changes the tone completely and comes back. I do enjoy him, and our planning should be fun. If it isn't, why even do it? We are getting by, but we could do better. We just need some more planning time and the complete honesty shown Saturday. Just that element alone made it all worthwhile.

Sunday morning, and I feel great. Bright day. Up early and ready for action. I feel very encouraged about the discussion over coffee. It was direct and open. I noticed how The Dude and I are opening up and getting right to the point. I have never felt so comfortable with the tone and manner. While we reached no agreement, I felt the elements were in place to do so in the future. The trust has grown over the months, and I feel most positive about a professional relationship. Whatever happens in our other relationships, the directness and caring shown cannot but be positive. I have never felt such a connection before, and it really perked up the day. All in all, one terrific Saturday.

So on Sunday, what next? Would like to see him again, of course, but have no expectations either way. The first conclusion is that a change is coming, and that a change is necessary. I am so much more thrilled by our chat than my usual days. While my current job is rewarding in a limited way, our horizon is so much more. We seem to be seeking similar things, but with some differences. That is good. If he really wanted to be a football hero, I would be left out in a big way!

It is fair to say that early in a relationship, there is a politeness and courtesy that is nice, but which becomes phoney later on. We have passed that point, and have become honest, open, and caring in our talks. There just is no one else in my life like that. It just feels so very good.

While we surely reached no agreement, I think all the tools are in place to make progress. I feel no jealousy, no jockeying for advantage, no need to use another. He is simply a terrific person with whom I would like a life, business, personal, or both. Any of the above would work for me. And he must know I would do anything to help him and anything to make him (us) a big success.

While overall I am not unhappy in my job, I seem to have the chance to do better, and those chances do not come along often. While I can select safety, and usually do, I can do better. The Dude is a chance for some excitement and accomplishment, which I am not getting now. Thanks to whatever brought us together.

Frankly, I have sensed some discomfort. I think this is a mistake. One simply cannot have too many people who sincerely love them. And if it is a new relationship, one often cannot predict outcomes or how feelings will change with time. I have found it a big mistake to think things out too soon before throwing oneself into the situation. I learn something new daily from The Dude and would not have become this person without fully accepting what he offers as often as it is offered. Perhaps this feeling comes with age and experience, and sadlly what was overlooked along the way. Being more open and taking more chances was never my normal rule. And what did I miss? Or perhaps whom did I miss? I have concluded that you go with the flow and see what life offers. And especially if more conventional conduct has fallen short, it is time to try something new, rather than thinking that doing the same another way will make the difference. If something did not work, look for another route. It could be loads of fun and awfully rewarding, too.

So I enter Sunday pretty excited. I have concluded it is time to do something else. It is time to seek avenues, try routines, and move on. And oh how I want The Dude there every step. His mind, energy, sense of humor, caring, whatever, make him the obvious choice. We WILL make it, whatever the curves and turns. If I can make a difference for him, it will all be worth it. I know the 2 of us are smart enough to find the path and avoid the dangers.

So wherever you are today, thanks for being there. There is nothing I do without you in mind. There is nothing I think without wanting to share it. There is no day with any meaning that does not involve you.

P S It has come to my attention that The Dude seems to have had a problem with his blog. He erased it. Guess one cannot have a bigger problem. Anyway, he declined to reprint it and just complained. Sorry about that. I always check his blog and enjoy his comments. In contrast to my own rather specific style, he tends to be far ranging and not too specific. That is fine. He is smart and always interesting. Sorry about the problem, dear bud.

We have reached the middle of Saturday afternoon. It has been a great day so far. Weather is bright and warm, but not nearly as hot as the summer. I always like fall, with the colorful leaves and milder temps. Have been reading Sunset for its home ideas and getting the watering underway.

The day has been great. The Dude picked me up early and after comparing new duds, we headed off for coffee. I had the usual dark roast, while he for some reason wanted a very sweet version. We sat outside at first, but moved indoors to a very comfy couch. The coffee takes time to drink, so we usually nurse a single cup. At the price charged for his, no wonder!

He seemed less sleepy than the usual, which is good in a driver. Seems he had a date last night, but the movie was sold out. They just went home. He was his usual bright self this morning, and we were soon pouring over The Coop for new products. We have not shopped there quite enough to be familiar with all that is offered, as the brands are completely different. I love that about the place and am not looking forward to complete knowledge. I like to explore, both in the market and at home with the new stuff.

My intention to discuss in some detail a future business plan did not go very far, even though I learned some interesting facts. Since we did not grow up even close, we know little about some areas. He told me his biggest thrill and interest was working his college theater, as a paid member and not for a class. He did not do much acting, but was more behind the scenes. Sure interested me, and he gave me a thumbnail of what went on. He seemed to have a great time. Since he seems to have a scientific mind, his love for theater caught me by surprise. Very pleasing, as I have an English background and produce books and poetry. I much value that side of life, though I studied business in college myself. Frankly, I have used the classes little and find it boring.

Anyway, I like to see The Dude with passion and was happy to hear him out in the homey shop with great hot java. However, after hearing him out, we were out of time. I had spent much time, as I promised, working out a discussion plan to get somewhere. Since he did not know the plan and did not know where we were going, his ranging discussion took all available time. Well, we are not in a big rush and needed to know each other's interests.

With someone I love, nothing I know is a waste. It is very exciting to see someone else really turned on by an experience, and The Dude was into his theater. He worked there the entire college time. I felt so glad for him, as I never found such an interest myself except perhaps my church, which has been a sore subject. At any rate, it was a joy to see him spell it out. Only made me appreciate him the more, which is getting pretty hard to do at this point.

We moved into shopping and had our usual good time. Since I realized he had to leave, I parted from him to try to accomplish my shopping. He was pretty much looking only. I finished up first and moved to the outside tables, where the food tasting party was beginning. Tried most all, as did he when he emerged. Good stuff. We ended up in front of the local mustard table, where we tried various stuff and I bought him a jar of his fav. My pleasure and thanks for the ride, as well as the treat of his company. It is unusual to find such a challenge. He is not only warm and sweet, but sharp as a tack. Excellent combo.

With the diet going so well, I stuck with the frozen meat substitutes and excellent local breads that have helped me so much. Frankly, I feel great and do not miss the heavy meats. I still eat fish and dairy products, which bother The Dude, but we have agreed to reach our goal separately in some areas, but with constant encouragement.

We, as always, ran out of time. He dropped me off, and I ground some coffee for him. He has yet to buy the grinder, which really helps whole bean coffee. Ha, ha. My real pleasure to do something for him. He is so very special.

Did we accomplish much? I suppose not really. His timeline is much longer than I anticipated. We agreed that a new line of work would be great and more challenging, but we have not made progress on what. While I love theater, I fear the local competition and late hours. Something we need to discuss. Of course I want to make him happy, and it is all on the table. It was a great chat, and the first of several I am sure to get more specific. I can see, for instance, a theater with a creative side and a business side. And frankly I do not have a package to offer, despite his expectations. And I hope to move faster.

We parted in time for his baby pickup. Frankly I felt an urgency this morning not seen before, but the baby was in another town this time. And I got his time and attention. On the other hand, he also got mine. Since we parted, I have enjoyed the house. I feel much better today, and I hope that is a sign the drugs are working. Would also be nice to stop the internal bleeding. But whatever, there are other things to be done. I am looking forward to a nice dinner and the TV. I watch TV every night to some extent, but seem to enjoy Saturday the most. Usually I also catch some football, but not today. Too much to do.

We almost had another small fight at the market. I really do not know what brings these about. The Dude seems to have a short fuse at times. Nothing major, but it happens suddenly. I have said before that I care about him and will not get into another. It is such a pleasure to be in his company and to share our lives that I have said forget specific words and look at the big picture. I have not changed my feelings a bit, except they have gotten more certain and much stronger. I thank God we met and hope it brings out the best for us both. I well know we have some issues, oh how I know it, but we are not ready to deal with them yet. I am going on the same way and hoping for the bright future we are planning.

The weekend has begun. Seeing The Dude for coffee and shopping shortly. Friday we had another clash over some e mails. He came down on me pretty hard, then later said it was pointless. I agreed. Maybe it is a game to get me riled? Not sure, but kind of fun. If it does not cost a dear relationship, guess I can go along. However, I always regret these things, as he is an honest guy and I do not always see the whole story. True enough.

We are headed to The Coop for our Saturday coffee and shopping. This week there are food demonstration tables as well. Should be fun. I need to get ready.

And The Dude has said he would be interested to discuss a future business. My good Seattle friend has said I should slow down and just recover. My heart says that I have been warned to stop wasting time and get the show on the road. The Dude is the greatest, and I am most excited to plan a future. He would be a fine asset, and I learn more each day how much.

So I am up and feeling good again. Nice weekend over here, and I have plenty to do, and mainly think. Always a pleasure to share a coffee just by itself, and now that we are on the same page, time to move on. I am not a huge risk taker myself, and Paul's advice to just stay put may be the answer, but if not now, when? I am in the prime of my career and not satisfied with the clerical job I am doing. There is plenty to do, but over and over and over. I am happy in a way, but not getting where I should be with my background. The Dude indicates an interest in the next level. He realizes, and so do I, that with our personal commitment, we will try to do our very best. I just could never do something bad for him. Nothing would be worth that. Hope he realizes how much I mean it.

Thursday morning. The week is going fast. I had my health checkup again last evening. Nothing new, which is not good. Staying about the same.

The Dude drove me to the dr, and we also had a nice lunch. He is buying different foods, but they are also delicious. He shared, which is great. I wanted to try the breadsticks. His life seems to be going at a faster speed, which is not a surprise considering my health issues lately. He has much on his plate, including a divorce and regaining of the house shortly. I am, of course, very happy for my bud. He deserves all the best.

We are planning a long coffee and shopping this weekend. The Coop is offering food booths with free tastings, which sounds like fun. I think we will shop first, then dive in. We probably need a chat right now. There have been issues, which should not have become issues. I have decided on a new motto. I have said to The Dude that I love him and nothing else matters. If something is phrased wrong, it does not change anything. We both became sensitive over some e mails, then told each other that it did not really matter. Felt very good to hear it.

I am glad to be feeling this good today. It appears I am facing a short operation to end the problem. Recently it seemed better, but no longer is, according to the dr. If it will make things all better, OK. I continue losing weight, due more to lack of interest than any extreme effort. I planned dinner last night, but it never made the oven. Just got too sleepy. As long as I am not hungry or taking something, it is OK. The weight needs to come off. The Dude lost some ground in Vegas, so our gap closed a bit. Not that I wish him bad luck, but it would be nice to catch up. He is looking pretty fine right now, and I am very proud of his success. I am also proud of how we prod each other to better things. Thanks more than I can say.

Wednesday morning early, and I am nearly ready for the office. I must admit Tuesday was a rough day. I saw the dr treating my accident injury, and he said the news was worse. The bleeding seemed stronger, and he wanted to do an operation with a drip bag. Surely not my choice, but it was clear the blood was worse. He even said it might be a form of cancer, though the situation clearly began with an accident.

The Dude offered to drive me, which I much appreciated. Even if the office is not far, the interest shown gave me hope. When I got out, we hugged and said both of us had used stupid words and that it was not meant. I am not going to do it again, and just assume there is goodwill on the other side. I have zero reason to suspect anything more, and The Dude has been absolutely super. Could not have anyone more involved. I appreciate it, and will try to keep earning it.

I guess on the whole yesterday put some things on the line. I can no longer hope my problem goes away. It is not and needs attention. Today I see the b p dr. The other dr did a reading, which showed steady improvement. Frankly, I am unclear just where we stand. Things seemed very good until the latest discussion. I very much like the dr and refused a second opinion, although he chatted with the other dr seeing me, who agreed. The surgery is several weeks off, so I suppose things could change. I very much hope so.

I also discovered, dumb moi, how much The Dude contributes to my happiness and outlook. I had begun to convince myself that breaking up would be just fine. Well, it isn't. He is so much part of my day and adds so much to life. Whatever happens, we will be together. I appreciate his continuous support, both in spirit and in doing things. He has helped carry me through this scary period. I hope he can find the time to go to the hospital again. I will have just an hour there, but more time with the drugs. The dr says I can return to work the next morning. Guess we shall see! I hope The Dude adds his unique spirit to the situation.

There is a poster up that Saturday The Coop is sponsoring a tasting party for their suppliers. Freebees galore. I hope The Dude feels as interested as I. A long coffee and chat, then on to the tables. I am bringing up the idea today to see the response. Guess other things are pretty down today. But I have a job to do, which seems to be going a bit better. The people are understanding that I may be a step slower. Good group on the whole.

Good morning. The work week has started once again. Up early as usual and feeling good this Monday. I am still not 100%, but seem to be gaining. Mentally better all the time.

The Dude said he has things to say if he is feeling better himself. Hope to hear it today. Did not see him all weekend. I did want to attend the art show, but not alone. It was too far anyway. He never called, so I just kept to the house. It was OK, though the afternoon was lovely for a walk in the park. One of those things I enjoy with company, but cannot manage by myself.

I am slowly adjusting to being left out. It has been awfully tough after so many months of closeness. I do not give up on The Dude willingly, but the choice is in the end his to make. I made mine and have no regrets. A change of heart would be just terrific, but I have no reason to see this coming. I just hope we continue to talk and work through this situation.

Nearly time for "Victory Garden" on PBS, one of my fav programs. It has been a quiet afternoon. No call from The Dude. Darn. I have been doing the watering slowly. My missing cat "Pepper" has not been seen. Given her age, she likely is gone.

And I heard that the neighbors dog Emma, a special fav of mine who always loved my petting, died of internal cancer while being treated. She was a wonderful small animal who lived with them the entire time they have been here. I was aware she was being treated, but the first word was encouraging. She is a great loss.

It turned into a lovely afternoon. Doors are open and the plants seem more contented. I had wanted to attend the show today, but there was no call or request. Well, The Dude told me not to expect much, and that seems to be what I am getting. It would have been a nice time, as we enjoy our discussions. It is terribly lonesome, but I do have the chores.

I enjoy Sunday TV, especially the news programs. I am feeling OK, not better or worse. It was my hope the bleeding had stopped, but it does not seem that way. The dr has discussed surgery unless the bleeding stops. I am trying to avoid that. See him Tuesday.

Well, Monday comes the return to work. The Dude has been acting strange recently, so I do not really know what to expect. He knows the score with me, but not the other way around. He has the last word, it seems, and I can only wait. I can just hope so much.

P S I just have to add something about the shower and weigh-in. Turns out I have dropped another 2 pounds. Now it so happens that The Dude has been much more successful so far on his diet. We started from a similar point, but his dedication and willingness to try anything has produced more progress. I do not believe in doing fad stuff, as it does not work in the long run. He got off to one great start, then cheated on a recent trip and regained weight. I have been determined and steady. This diet started from a false argument we had one day at lunch, and he admitted he was just trying to get me riled. It worked, and we agreed to diet and end up at the same point, as I am just slightly taller. Well so far I am about 10 pounds behind him. He raced to break 200, then moved back. I really am sorry he could not keep his word, as he is looking better and better. But if this is a race, I am back in the standings. The Dude had better watch out.

I walked to a nearby market. Usually on the weekends someone is there who obviously is interested. We stare around the aisles, but nothing has happened yet. When I am committed to someone, I am not looking for options. I suppose depending on how things go, I could be again. But since I have no special reason to begin talking, I have not.

Anyway, the eagerness rather put me in the mood. I find the summertime sexier anyway, and it is starting to cool off. Shorts won't last forever. Anyway, I am back home and ready to hit the watering. There is not much to do, so I am really ready to hit the art show and whatever else The Dude might have in mind.

It is a lovely Sunday, warm enough without being hot. The show is in a park, so it should not get too warm. It is not the quality of the show last week, but company would be nice, especially The Dude. As we need his car, if he fails to call, it is home work for me. He has a great smaller car, fairly new, and comfy. It is nice to be driven places again. We sometimes go out for lunch, too, and the car makes trips possible. We ate out twice last week and had some great food. I value those times, along with the others.

The furnace came on by itself this morning. Autumn must be on the way. I was up early again after a decent sleep. The busy, busy days seem to be over. I have some watering to complete, but not much. Saturday helped me get even with the chores. I still need a short trip to the market, then on to whatever.

Guess The Dude did not have time to go to the party, as I never received a call. That is OK, as I am not in a party mood with all going on. It was a nice evening, but I was sleepy once again. Ate a portion of dinner, but turned in.

I would give a lot to have breakfast or lunch with The Dude. We did not do much of it last week. He was not feeling well, so I carried on alone. He preferred to sleep. Sorry about that. A lazy breakfast today, whatever the time, would be great. We live near a popular place for weekend meals, and even a wait would be fine. It is cool, but very pleasant.

I do not know what life has in store today. I continue to feel better with the pills, but not in a big way. It would be fun to eat out, as my small dinner did not do much for me. Things are so different since I met The Dude that the weekends are just up in the air. Yes, I have the gardening to complete, but anything else depends upon my good friend. We attended the art show separately a week ago, but there is another today we might do together if he has the time. Would be a joy for me to go somewhere.

Nice Saturday. Quiet afternoon with reading between hose changes to make up for 2 weeks of inaction. Weather is cooler, but still quite comfy. Nice day to sit in the rocker and watch the water keep the garden alive.

As he expected Friday, I have not seen The Dude all day. In fact, I did what we normally do, only alone. Went to the coffee house and sat outside alone thinking of the week's events. The coffee was soothing, and the neighborhood views are always interesting. There was a handsome younger man having a coffee and writing his diary, it appeared. The street was crowded as usual with bikers and motorists. Always entertaining. I spent less time than when we talk, however, and moved onto shopping.

The Coop was not crowded at the early hour, and I had a slow push around the market. Very much missed the excited tone of The Dude as he describes what he sees and buys. I always learn so much. In fact, however, I ran into an old friend who now works there. It has been so long that it took time to remember much about him. He used to be a good friend, but his marriage seemed to deter getting any closer. Miss him. At least I may see him again in the future.

I spent the afternoon on the front porch of my 91 year old house. Kind of a special place. There was much reading to do, as I have gone 2 weeks without time. It was a great quiet time. Yes, I miss him, but must go on. Got caught up and watered most of the front yard, too.

It occurred to me how many changes he has brought about both by his example and by our lively discussions. He is very smart and always has good reasons for judgments. I pay close attention, as we seem to have a way to hit it off and like the same things. Perhaps unlike the usual relationship, we both pay attention and rarely disagree on a thing. It is a smooth combo, and one rarely if ever found. Sniff.

It has reached late afternoon. I have the watering to finish up. The word is that the neighbor dog is quite ill and may not come home. That would be very sad, as she is a terrific animal. I am a cat person, but value highly both nearby dogs. She is a doll and a jewel. No one has seen my other cat, either. She was (is?) special, and I promise to keep looking.

Well, this great day is ready to turn into TV city. The Dude goes to work soon, so that option is closing. Then he usually sees her. If he is happy fine, but I hope he even considers what he is giving up now. I simply could not.

Early on a Saturday morning. Slept well, but not straight through. I do have much to do today, mostly rather fun. And yet Friday haunts it all. The put down by The Dude was very hard to take, even if he was not mean or nasty. The message is the message.

I came home in a depressed mood. This relationship means a great deal, and I considered doing something really stupid. Did not go that route, but was down the entire evening and still am. When he said I was just one of many, it could not have been more obvious. We have become very close, and I expected more enthusiam.

I am going to do the things we have done together, like going to the Coop for a hot cup of dark coffee and a shopping trip we have done together. It won't be the same, of course, and I will see him in every aisle. But I have to get over this and move on, it seems. Not at all easy, but what else can one do?

I have been invited tonight to an office party, but I do not feel in the mood. The Dude said he might provide the wheels if he could get the time off, but there has been no follow up. Probably I will just call in sick and skip it.

While I am hurting, I suppose the future is right in front. The Dude has this girl he seems to spend time with. And I have this big alone I seem to spend lots of time with. Have always adapted to the void and kept busy. The Dude has been great, someone who is alsmot visibly not there all the time. Have to get over it and move on. Need to get well. I see both drs this week, so hope for progress somewhere. No one else seems to be very concerned about that problem.

I probably am nearing the end of the blogs. Without The Dude, there is not much to say. My regular life, while OK, is even less exciting that these reports so not worth the time. And if no one else cares, why write anyway? I mainly write for my good bud, who has moved on he says. If he stops reading, why bother at all?

I know The Dude will have a great life, and I will miss our attachment greatly. Nothing will be the same. But his decision. There was no other way to play it. I asked, and he responded. Thanks dear friend.

Up early once again Friday. I am sleeping well, but getting up earlier. Had a fine night and feel good, but still under the weather a bit.

Glad it is Friday. It has been an up and down week, with plenty of down news. I talked with The Dude about some weekend activities, but got no response. Some interest, but no decisions. Since I sold the VW years ago, I have relied on the bus and/or the walk. It has been fine and suits me. But when The Dude entered my life, other destinations became possible. Whenever I ask if we can go somewhere, it is a new location I have come to enjoy, like shopping together at the Coop. Our mornings have been great. We compare notes on products, and often he tells me how to use something. The Dude has cooked more "fringe" foods than I have. I have been meat-and-potatoes most of my adult life.

Since he was under the weather himself yesterday, we did nothing together. I ate lunch alone and had the usual veggie sandwich. Today I need to start early to get thru downtown before work. Could do it later, but I awoke very early and am ready to go.

The Dude has been indicating that he is up for doing stuff with other people. While I knew of the others, we have done many things together for years, and I am a bit shaken by any new directions. I tend to focus on one person who is everything for me. While I have other friends, The Dude is far above them. I am not satisfied with boring things, and want the best. I have it and want it to continue. However, I realize the changes in our relationship may have unsettled The Dude. I hope not, as I want only the best for him.

Frankly, I have so many ideas what we could do together. The coupling part is one thing, but we share interests and could both pull oars to do great things. It really excites me, more than anything previous. But that future seems to be out of my hands. I am now concentrating on health issues and just hoping other events work out.

The weekend looks promising. I have much to do, including some yardwork and watering. Other events have been discussed, but without any decision. Guess we shall see.

Nice morning. Up early and ready to go. My boss returns today. The dr visit was not great. She was very late, so I got home much later. The bp is down slightly, but her goal was to hit our target. We are a long way from that. She has increased the pills slightly, but says adding another pill might be necessary.

I was not given a ride either way. That was OK, especially considering how behind she was. Guess I have come to want The Dude involved in my health, but he has his work to do.

All the players are back today, so life should be near normal. In summary, I have my own issues to face and can do it alone. But the company has meant a great deal, and I am hoping it continues. Guess it is not vital, as my own health is #1, but support has been great. The Dude has been warm and caring, and I have tried to be the same. As on other days, I realize how special he is. He probably does not share these feelings, but they keep me going. If only...

The Dude and I returned to our special lunch place because I forgot to give them the coupon on Monday. As usual, we ate the soup/salad combo, which is meatless if one is careful. The soups are not fully listed, which has tripped TD a couple of times. He picked me up right on time, as usual, but we returned late. Had to wait for a table, as the outside seating by the pond was closed due to wind.

In my humble opinion it was a great lunch. I enjoy his company no matter what we do. We had a good visit. I did notice that she is looming behind some things we do, but was not discussed. We did hit diet issues pretty heavily, so to speak. He is unhappy not sticking to a real strict version of our program and plans to do so again.

He is off this afternoon again, and I miss him. It is a cloudy, windy day, and I still have my dr visit at the end of the day. It means I can walk home instead of coming back. Nice. Will be interesting if the new pills have changed anything. I hope to see steady decrease rather than nothing, which means stronger pills. I will take greater time, if it is fairly easy. In fact, daily I seem to be getting better as far as the pills go, not always the bp. The pills have bothered me some, but not any big deal.

Again, I am concerned about the future. We had a fairly normal day, but I do not want to be cut off. It just hurts too much. Through it all, I need to get my bp under control very much. If The Dude is there all the way, it will mean a lot. If he decides this is my problem by myself, so be it, but I need to stick with the program. Someone will appreciate it sometime.

Tuesday was an interesting day. Susan was again on a trip, this time up to a meeting. I had a most busy day at work, as expected. There is a project that requires 33 separate folders instead of a single one, so every piece of paper is multiplied many times. I know what I am doing, but it still is loads of extra work.

The biggest news, I suppose, was lunch. The Dude insisted on trying a new place, which we both enjoyed. Good food and prices. We ate outside, though by then it had clouded over. Temps were very nice as early autumn arrived. The summer has been over 90 nearly every day.

The Dude said his new friend might drop by, and she did. I think we both knew what was going on, so it was awkward. We said a few words, but her arrival shifted the chatter entirely to girl/boy. I just sat, listened, and watched the crowd. There was nothing I could contribute, as their doings had been entirely between themselves. I am glad to have met her, and lunch is so short that it really did not matter much, but the shift in tone was quite interesting. When we walked away, she went to her car and our usual closeness returned.

I was told the other day, after years of daily lunches, that I am now one of many. It was a surprise visit, and one I might have expected long ago. But it apparently was intended to pave the way for more lunches with her. You know, I sure cannot decide such a thing all by myself. If that is his choice, little I can do, even if it hurts. I do not intend to do the same, even with another dude. I will just return to eating by myself and try to enjoy it. I always did until he came along. Now it will be harder, but if there is no choice, so be it.

It was interesting to have everyone together. She is lovely, very attractive with a good figure. I admit it. And yes, she is much younger and much less experienced. I expected this, and it was true. I suppose for a few folks, there really is a choice. But the majority feels what it wants to feel. Not much can be done. However, I care enough not to just fold, but to get the time I can and enjoy the relationship. The Dude is very special to me, and I enjoy every minute. Not sure what he would say. He has his own blog, but seems to have given up any daily comments. I am glad we all met, however, and we had an OK lunch. Awkward for sure, but necessary.

Oh, I should add my thanks to a long-time good bud Myron, who showed great concern yesterday when I seemed to forget some paperwork. Still unsure if it was my fault, but my bud found the document and took care of it. It was not complete, so possibly I never saw it finished. Unsure, as with other recent matters. But it is fine now, signed and ready for payment. Myron has been a really close friend for several years, and he is one who just pitches in and tries to save me. I do the same. We have feelings, but nothing is going to happen. He has a nice family of which he is most proud. He is not as trendy as The Dude, and I do enjoy the challenge, he has a great heart and a caring outlook. There is a solidity that I find calming and helpful. I know he can get things done, even new projects. He often mentions leaving, and he has had some rough stretches, but he is still here, for which I am extremely grateful. We always pull together, and he is never critical. He realizes now I have some limitations and tries to work with me while I need the pills. He is very kind and helpful and supportive. He does not really care why something happens, just how to make it all better for me.

Good morning, Tuesday. Forecast to be rainy for a rare change. I slept very well and feel good. Perhaps the pills are doing the trick? Will find out Wed. The company situation is over, and Monday was very nice. Had lunch at a nice place with The Dude, and we had a chat. In fact, he began on my case about these blogs and other matters. Finally I told him how I felt and said nothing would change. He could continue to be critical, but a bad choice of words did not ever change the feelings. That response seemed to calm the waters. I suspect it is a sensitive time for us both, so I fully understand his concern.

Today is ready to begin. I need to get ready for work. Susan is again away, so we have to muddle through on our own. No dr today, so I have no feedback on the medical front. There is a neighborhood meeting tonight regarding making this area an historical district. Will be interesting to hear the arguments. I have a flyer, but talk is more helpful. Sounds like a good idea to me, but with the pending painting, I may have mixed emotions. However, if someone can define the original colors, I would like to hear it.

As for the Dude, I am hoping for another peaceful day. He was lively and challenging Monday, which I always enjoy. He just stages events differently than others, and I very much enjoy it. I am embarrassed to report that the reason we went to lunch, the coupon, never got spent. I would very much like to go again today to use it. We shall see. We have a problem at that place in that they do not indicate which dishes have meat contents, so we are often surprised. Not a major issue, but we both try to stick with our promises. We are both pretty straight about following thru.

Anyway, I wish the Dude a great day at work and a feeling of real progress. Thanks for being there.

The fun weekend is over. It was a quiet evening and one great sleep. The activity tired me out and put me in a great mood. It seemed, though I am unsure, that it rained last night, even if lightly. Smelled like it. So a new work week begins. The boss is still away for a few more days. My life seems to be in major flux, with factors hitting from all directions. I am feeling good today and probably ready, but things can change. No dr until Wed. this week. I am taking my pills regularly, so it is hard to tell.

I suppose it is possible something new will happen with The Dude. Very tough to tell. The relationship is in play daily. That makes it exciting, I suppose, but more certainty would be nice, especially certainty in my direction. But it is obvious that the only certainty, if that, is by yourself. Any other person in the mix can change it. So I had a wonderful diversion during the weekend, and now back to the same variables. Events change a person's perception, but this weekend did not. I have the very same outlook.

Paul and I finished up our great weekend. He is one terrific guy and a friend since college. We began with a long conversation on my cool front porch. It lasted some 5 hours. We then motored to the restaurant for a very late lunch, but with breakfast choices. We both had eggs and cakes. Quite good. It was very quiet at 2, and we enjoyed the peace. Then we decided with limited time remaining to antique shop in Hyde Park. We drove over and found every store closed. Not a single antique in site.

We finished up coming home after a stop at Fred Meyer. Bought very little, then came home for a final porch chat. Nice and cool and quiet. He left about 6 for a run to the airport with the assumed careful security check. The Chev was one great car, a two door with large doors and very roomy seats. I enjoyed every minute and wished for the same.

So here we are in mid-evening. Paul is in the air to Seattle I assume, and TV is rather lacking. I am sleepy and not really ready for dinner. Frankly, I am thinking of The Dude. I suppose he had a real day of action for him and is likely very satisfied. I will never be until he changes direction and decides on a new course. Somehow nothing is the same anymore. The same visit Paul and I have had several times before was not 100% enough, though very fulfilling. I am realizing all over how special The Dude is and how much I need him. He has, at the least, raised the bar for anyone who may follow, if anyone at all. Even by losing, I win something. I know what a real relationship could be. Thanks.

Almost time to begin another adventure. Lovely warm morning. The chores are mostly done, and Paul is due anytime. I have some ideas for a fun day. Paul leaves fairly early, so we have the rest of the morning and most of the afernoon. While having an old friend in town is lovely, I would like The Dude to meet and greet. If he is awake, please join us at the place across from MK. Food is good, and I guarantee the conversation. We would like for you to fit in the picture, bud. I'll buy for my best friend. And we could do some fun things the rest of Sunday, our day of rest. Hope to see you this morinig, bud.

It has reached Sunday morning. Very fine night's sleep, and up before 6 to prepare for another fun day. Paul has given permission for me to suggest the day's activities, as we have finished up the art show and need other options. I am considering after breakfast a visit to the Coop, perhaps Hyde Park shops, or maybe the annual antiques show. It is another lovely and warm morning, but I have heard about a cold front due later.

This annual bachelors party with Paul is a highlight of my year. He is a sharp and well read pal, and I always learn much about the workings of management, a topic we studied in college. While I never really pursued it as a career, Paul went into management himself, then headed his consulting business. I do wonder what life would be like if I had my own firm, but it is not an immediate concern.

By the way, I have wondered what The Dude did yesterday. He has to work his second job, so the day is not entirely free. As he enjoys the work, however, I suspect he had a fine day. I care about what goes on, but fully realize I have no say in it and must live with whatever he does. Not terribly easy for someone close, but necessary at this time. If he ever reads the blog, at least he knows someone cares and hopes it was a great day.

I am planning a most pleasant Sunday, a rare day of good company and fun times without The Dude. Seems odd. As always, someone important is missing.

Very, very nice day. Seattle friend arrived around 9, and we ate at the Trolley. Nice full breakfast in good time. We hit the art show late morning and wandered nearly the entire day, with a couple of breaks for drinks. Very nice work, but neither of us bought anything. I looked all day for The Dude, who was there somewhere. Never saw him and felt lonesome. It just was not the same, pleasant but not the same. I missed seeing The Dude and came away feeling something important was missing. Weather was cloudy, but quite warm. Very pleasant.

Later, we came to my place for a quick visit, then hit the Mac Grille near the Mall for a very fine meal. I stuck to my pledge and ate fish, which was the same story for my friend. We tried a piece of pie between us. Excellent touch. The dinner was lovely, and we had a fine very open discussion of some of his issues. I listened intently.

Now back here for a good sleep. Still feeling tired with the treatment for my bleeding, so it was a long enough day. Very active. I felt good the entire time, but wore out easily. I am turning in and writing to The Dude. Hope to hear from you soon. Miss you greatly.

Late evening on the first day of the visit. Nice visit, nice catchup, nice dinner at a fav place near BSU. First conversation was why I ordered the Mexican veggies and skipped all the many nice meats. The friend orders a steak and then claims it is mostly mushroom. I argued the meat harvest problem, while friend claimed they die anyway in the end. Suddenly I heard my bud Daniel and my points became stronger. I admitted that, as usual, Daniel took the more extreme position (consider eating fish), but I have to admit his strong stand is no shame at all.

The evening wore on with more chat and a margarita (yum). Friend and I continued to catch up. But my mind wandered to another person not there in the flesh, but always there in spirit. I knew what was going on with him and regretted it more than I could ever say.

Tomorrow we do the art show, where I believe Daniel will also be. I do not know if we will pass, but nothing has changed with me. Expect to wear some tight levis and a shirt we bought together. My fav shirt, by the way. Hope he is looking too.

It is the final work day, early morning thereof. One day officially apart. This one will take a long time. I am feeling about the same, still on the medication. The bandage is a drag, but important. Tonight my good bud arrives for the weekend. Always nice to see an old friend. We manage to have a good time.

Of course I first think about The Dude. I have never been good about figuring out such situations, so I am reduced to the sidelines. It never meant more, but feelings are a tricky issue. I have a busy day planned for work, so things should move along. And with my friend due late today, there is plenty to occupy my mind. Plenty of stuff that is not nearly as important as the major issue. But I have no choice, so it seems, so as before I just keep rowing my own oar and waiting. I am not sure how many more blogs I want to do. It seems easier to blog thru the pain right now, but when I return to my usual could-care-less self, I likely will just stop.

Today was the first day "apart" when the emphasis was on what SHE wanted and what SHE could do. Turned out lunch was doable, so it was made impossible for an US lunch to occur. Believe me I can accept this. I do not believe the situation is as simple as it was made today, but I hardly want to attempt to force someone to do something that the person would, of course, never really consider and be shocked to contemplate. Oh, sure.

So I went to our usual place alone. Have no idea where my friend went. Never reported to me. In fact, we have been sending e mails back and forth parsing each word. Well, what BS. It was said that my e mail did not have negative thoughts. Well, true, I have no negative thoughts. My friend is not a plus or minus. My friend is a genuine person I have come to really, really LOVE. That is the only applicable word.

I have, for the very first time in my life, wanted to make a life together with someone else. That sure makes the friend pretty special. I have always had friends and many of them. Have not been so open usually, but time passes. I felt it was right, and I in my way proposed. Was really put down. I thought my friend might be more mature about the situation, but he was about at the level of the average dude.

At any rate, if he is now happy, who am I to gripe? He deserves the best as he sees it, and he seems happy, even if not 1000%. I simply LOVE him. No other word comes close. It will be great seeing my "old" buddy Paul, who has also made a huge contribution to my life. But nothing is complete wikthout the friend, who apparently feels I was only an intermission between exciting female love interests. Hope that is really the truth.

I am not used to being the standin, after many months as the main interest. But in this case, I am willing to do it, until someone else comes along who might be THE one. I am actively looking for someone to share with, and I had reason to hope the issue was settled. Sure blew that one. The hostile reaction was a total shock. Wonder if it is real? But whatever, I LOVE him enough to wish the best and not play games.

So life goes back to a day at a time. This is the dude who told me that since the decision to divorce and check out other avenues, he had never been happier. Guess it was not enough to be the best bud I could possibly be. I was not properly informed, just shucked. Well, I am still here and hope to have some level of future contact. Nothing is the same without my dude. Instead of parsing sentences, just know that I LOVE you, always will, and will be a backup wherever your life takes you.

It was hardly easy to state in public my feelings for another. The situation was to the point I wanted to take it to the next level, and I was broadsided by a blanket statement that the person was as "far to the right" as could be on the meter between gay and hetero. If he reads this,. I do want him to know that my wishes are for them to be the absolute best possible, and if hetero is the only "choice," so be it. My friend is so special that I insist he be the best, whatever. The world is owed the excellence possessed.

So I am once again going to work and trying to have a life. I will have a visit from my Seattle pal starting Friday. We always take in the massive art show this weekend each year. We have a great time and some great food. He knows a bit about art and always teaches me new things. But I have to admit to myself that nothing is truly enough these days. The hurt is nearly unbearable. What I see could be so great. Frankly, all my life I have been able to picture the future and see the best parts. When the future won't be due to irrelevant reasons, it just hurts.